Tinder Date Gone Wrong?

The above picture looks like it might be a joke from some distant corner of the Internet, but in fact it comes from the wall of a women’s bathroom in an English bar called the Brickyard. The bar owners released a statement saying they will make the sign gender-neutral and post it in all bathrooms, which highlights the fact that this issue doesn’t just affect women. In the age of online dating, we are used to hearing stories and even jokes about Tinder, ranging from complaints about it being a “hook-up” app that results in inappropriate pick up lines, to disastrous first dates who discuss exes at unnecessary length. In one way, dating sites and apps like Tinder can be seen as a continuation of our society’s ever-lasting obsession with dating and finding a mate. There are, of course, multiple contributing factors to this search, including innate desires for companionship and/or sex, and societal pressure to be with someone (and perhaps eventually marry). This search does not happen without risks, however, as the image above attests to. So what does it say about us when we are so eager to date while obvious risks are considered acceptable? Children are taught to avoid strangers, yet as they grow up we present them with a romanticized view of meeting strangers in the context of dating. TV shows, movies, songs and people in society provide examples of meeting strangers through dating apps, through pick up lines on the street or through flirting with unknown people at bars. We are inundated with messages that say part of everyone’s destiny is to meet Mr. or Ms. “Right” and settle down in marital bliss, and social events like dances in high school further establish this norm of needing a significant other.

Courtship has been integral to humanity since the beginning, but recently there have been changes in the context of urbanization, the Internet, and a post 1960s increase in sexual freedom. It seems to me that this has resulted in an overall increase in dating and a myriad of new ways to court people outside of our usual social network. This can enhance the already present risks associated with dating. The Brickyard bar had enough experiences with women on Tinder dates “gone wrong” that they actually made a sign to provide a safety net for those who feel unsafe. Dating undoubtedly involves risks. Department of Justice statistics published in 2000 about women in college noted that in 12.8% of completed rapes, the victims were on a date with the perpetrator, and the same was true for 35% of attempted rapes. (Overall, 9 times out of 10 the perpetrator is known to the victim, and this underscores that rape is overwhelmingly attempted by acquaintances. That is worthy of its own discussion.) People who have used online dating, especially women, will tell you of strange, unwanted or plain inappropriate advances, whether online or in person. The reality of our world is that we continue to try to strike a balance between the safety risks of dating and the possible benefits of meeting people we like. You can find articles detailing how to safely use online dating, and even see bars like the Brickyard take safety matters seriously. Human courtship and social pressures to find a mate are not going anywhere anytime soon, and online dating is getting increasingly popular. I hope that more efforts are made to realize that these risks are not acceptable, and that our culture evolves towards a goal of making the dating scene safer and more comfortable for all.